Loss of Me
by Thyme In Her Eyes
Summary: From 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' - Mina's feelings and reflections whilst she is slowly becoming a vampire.


Loss of Me  
  
This 'fic is based on the (amazing) movie, 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' - I haven't read the book, this is ENTIRELY movie-based. It centres on Mina (hey, we need more Mina 'fics, she's an interesting character!) and her thoughts and feelings whilst she is slowly becoming a vampire (on board the train to Varna, not during her little scene with Van Helsing). Please bear in mind that this is my first attempt at Dracula-based fanfiction so please be gentle ^_^   
Oh yeah, Mina BELONGS with the Count not Jonathan! Jonathan's lovely and all but he's so...dull and wooden. Or so I think. If I get a good response for this piece I might consider doing another about the Count and Mina while Jonathan's away with the Brides...*evil giggle*   
But for that I NEED feedback! Please?   
Ack, anyway - on with the 'fic, enjoy and feel free to comment!  
  
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Loss Of Me  
  
Sunset...the clouded crimson of the dangerous blood-red atmosphere outside my window glaring down on my body increases in painful intensity with every mechanical sound of the moving train and the deafening cry of the wheels against metal tracks. The whole land seems to be like this, the closer we get, rusty red mountains in the evening with a flaming sky, it seems such a dramatic and beautiful sunset as the clouds flame and burn stormily as the sun continues in it's strange death-throes.   
  
But it's all lost on me, all of it.   
  
The sun's rays scorch the inside of my body and mind, cloud and confuse me, only bringing me pain after pain being in its angry gaze, praying for night. I know this is supposed to happen to me, the good doctor told me so - apparently my body is slowly dying since I accepted my dear Prince's blood in place of my own. His blood is killing my own, and my mortal body so they place me directly under the sun so it'll be weakened and give my body a chance to resist and at least slow down my strange, mortal death. But it's the resisting that makes it hurt so much, I know that now. I know that the good doctor and my dear Jonathan and his companions only mean to help me, to save me but so far they've only caused me pain. Pain like I've never experienced before.   
  
I hardly feel like myself at all. Not Mina Harker, but some other creature. I feel so strange, frustrated, as though I need something desperately but am not sure what, only that I don't have it. It may be strange but even though this is described as my body dying, it only feels like it's changing, every single part of my body changing, becoming something different. Something unknown.   
  
But slowly, oh-so slowly! The sun slows the change down, my body resists the new blood and it makes everything hurt. It is like a cold, restless pain and struggle that seems to swarm beneath my freezing, corpse-like skin. It leaves me feeling so drained, so uselessly weak I haven't the strength to do anything but lie here, feeling a kind of heavy tiredness overcome me. I'm now as weak as a kitten, like a wilting flower. My body feels so terribly cold, as though it is already dead - all I feel able to do is lie here and shiver and twitch in some strange cold fever. Also, I'm weakened by my lack of food - I know that I need something to eat or drink but not what, food does nothing for this feeling, I am never hungry. However, at the same time I feel completely ravenous. I wish only for my Prince's wonderful blood again, so rich and potent, not like blood at all but some magical elixir, that is what my body craves, anything else gives me merciless nausea. Vampyr blood is like poison, destroying all of my own blood, killing it without mercy but at the time it was so wonderfully good, such a rich and heady mixture, leaving me weak and longing for more.   
  
But the worst of these things that haunt me is my breathing. However hard I try, it only gets more difficult to breathe, to take in a cool, refreshing breath. I feel as though some strange mist is forcing its way down my throat and slowly choking me or as though a bony grey hand is strangling me, slowly cutting off my air supply. No matter how hard I struggle, I am never satisfied, and my breaths vary from deep, desperate ones to shallow ones. It hurts so much, it puts so much stress on my body, such difficulties breathing and terrible, pounding, stabbing, impaling, stinging headaches that set my temples alight but leave the rest of my body trembling and as cold as ice. In the throes of strange, painful tension my eyes narrow then shut in pain and my fists become seemingly claw-like as my fingernails start to cut into the flesh of my palm and rip the material I cling to.   
  
All I feel able to do is lie down under the glare of the sunlight - my saviour and torturer - and lose myself to my body's struggles. I feel lost in my own thoughts, barely able to feel part of the world of the others, I'm barely aware of them at all now. All I feel is pain. It is difficult to think now, in the brightness of the sun, it makes my mind cloudy and brings to it strange, irrational feelings. And the dizziness, the confusion - strange random thoughts, completely irrational, even primal cloud my mind like some terrible fog I cannot clear despite my exhausting efforts.   
  
I can feel this strange, stumbling sense of being lost rise within me, I feel angry, afraid, in physical pain. I feel this red mist rise inside my mind, as potent and painful as the dying sun threatening to steal my soul. I can only feel a few brief, rational thoughts or understanding emerge from my muddled consciousness but only to be replaced by a surge of irritation sweep through me and surge onwards with feverish restlessness. In this befuddled state I hardly notice my friends and loved ones - they all seem blurred, part of a discoloured background, I could well be saying things out loud without being aware of it. My mind seems so confused, I feel like a lost, sick child, all alone in the dark, not even my Jonathan can reach me here, I feel as though I may well be losing myself to some unknown force.  
  
The only thing that keeps me from losing myself now is His voice - my Prince. He speaks to me in my thoughts, so softly, a faint whisper against my ear but at the same time as clear as a bell. I feel as though he is still with me, watching over me. There are times when I hear his voice as real as though he were kneeling beside me, times when I swear I could feel his hand clasp my own reassuringly. Sometimes I think I even see him in the very corner of my eye, silently, gently watching over me. It comforts me like no-one else possibly could, not even Jonathan, I know that now. Not even Jonathan compares.   
  
Doctor Van Helsing says that this thing I am becoming is soulless, as well as lifeless, that if I fully change beyond the point of reversal my soul may not be able to be saved, that I will no longer be Mina but something else that looks like Mina. Something demonic that lives beyond the grace of God. A creature without a soul.   
  
But I know he is wrong - I know I will be the same and only changed in the more obvious ways, needing living blood to survive, but inside I will be Mina, I will always be. I am not sure how I know this - it seems almost instinctive. I will still have a soul. I know that my love has a soul too, I felt it during our exchange, I could see into His soul, His thoughts, His feelings, everything - it all flowed into me so naturally. There were so many mixed feelings too - tenderness, caring, a cold, black rage, despair and longing. There was also a great darkness, unspeakable darkness. But not dark and terrible. Dark and lonely, such utter loneliness. Condemnation. Damnation. The guilt of bringing me into this dark world of the night so full of loneliness and secrets. He shouldn't feel guilty - I should. I have brought about His undoing, now He is hunted, because He could not let me go. Because of our love. How can anyone say that He has no soul?   
  
I know Him better than I will ever know Jonathan.  
  
Oh my poor dear Jonathan! I know I must be pushing him and the others to terrible limits that no-one should be pushed to by being part of this, I wish to God they all didn't have to be involved and put their precious lives at stake. I will never forgive myself if someone were to die on my account. I have already lost dear Lucy and now poor Mr. Renfield is dead too. I know I have hurt my Jonathan too. For not being able to love him as he loves me, for loving someone else that Jonathan regards a creature of darkness, for not being able to be a good and proper wife, for doing all this to him, for wishing to become a 'vampyr' also.   
  
I cannot bear to imagine what he must think of me, he will not delude himself into thinking I was forced into it, he knows the truth. How shameful it must be for him. I don't need telepathy to sense his disgust - I saw his face convulse in horror when he caught me, I can sense he feels that sharing blood is dark, evil and disgusting. But it seemed so right, like a part of Nature... I can see it in his eyes, he still sees me there on the bed in my white night-gown, my mouth covered in my love's sweet blood, dripping down my chin. He can't ever understand what it meant to me and it kills me to think that he thinks that I'm nothing more than a filthy whore.   
  
Oh dear God, please let him not think that, I couldn't bear it!   
  
The others might, Jonathan is sweet and forgiving in his wooden innocence but the others might still misunderstand. I can still sense their shame. They must all be ashamed of me, I've let them all down. All they can do is watch my go through similar motions of change as poor Lucy did, even though she actively resisted so much more. They could never understand how I could love the one that killed my dear Lucy, never. I hardly understand it myself, but I know it is true and undeniable, eternal and unshakeable. It was meant to be, he is my destiny as I am His - if anything is true then that is it. I am so sorry that there had to be so much death and suffering in the middle of it, and I know more death and suffering will come, I will not have a happy ending.   
  
But I don't want one without my love.  
  
The sun finally sets and the pain tearing up inside me begins to lighten, my body warms up as it loses its strength to resist my Prince's blood inside me. No one else notices and tries to bring me out of the dark night sky and switch on a light, they are all in the next room trying to come up with a new plan after my thoughts betrayed their last one. My thoughts betray this new one too. I can hear them through the walls as clearly as though they were right next to me, even more than that! I hear Doctor Van Helsing grumble whilst thinking, I hear the sound of Doctor Seward's nails dig ever-so-slightly into the flesh of his palms, the sound of Quincy scratching the back of his neck, dear Lucy's Arthur's moustache twitch in anticipation and the sound of my poor Jonathan bite his lower lip in worry. Is this what being like my dearest love will be like? So many strange and wonderful senses...  
  
And the sky! The beautiful, glorious, ethereal night sky outside my window, so vast and endless, never have I seen it like this before - I never imagined the stars could look so lovely! Is this how my sweet Prince sees the sky at night? Each twinkling star, a huge, beautifully-lit display of gem-like wonder! Colourful clouds of stars, all clustered up together in some fascinating dance glowing pink, white, blue, a shining blue-green...amazing. Truly amazing. Thousands more stars than I ever saw before all cluttering and glorifying the night sky making it a thousand times more beautiful, interesting and exciting than before! It looks like Heaven. I have never seen such natural beauty.   
  
Not since my love gave me his immortal kiss...  
  
I begin to feel it, his rich, pure blood, flow powerfully through me, stronger, harder, faster and fuller than ever before, warming me up to my fingertips, relaxing me, changing me. I can almost see it running through my veins, conquering everything in its path, making me his.   
  
And I want to go.  
  
Yes...  
  
I feel much calmer, much safer now, the pain is gone once I stop resisting. It feels so amazing, so completely different to before during the burning sunshine. I feel...free. As though a new horizon appeared just in front of me, expanding my world, leaving no limit to what I can do. I can feel myself changing into something old, something powerful, his ancient blood running through my system changing me in the dark of the night. I can even feel my teeth change at the thought of more blood, sharp and dangerous. But I don't feel like I am beginning to become a vicious soulless animal as they said poor Lucy became, but simply...different. I am becoming like my love. I hear Him in my thoughts, He is calling me to him...He needs me...I must go to Him...  
  
I can almost see Him, watching over me with concerned, guilty eyes. But there is also love in them. I clutch at his hand desperately, needing his touch. He speaks to me in my thoughts, his voice is so real, as though his lips are only inches away from my ear. He reaches out his free hand to brush away a loose strand of hair from my face, slowly caressing my burning cheek. I sigh and shut my eyes languidly but when I open them again he is gone from my side. But not completely - I still sense him, I still feel his presence, as - if not stronger than before. I would gladly lose myself in this moment. I am ready to be taken, I want to be His always, I don't care anymore. I am ready.  
  
All the pain is gone now, faded into the background apart from my breathing difficulties, but I feel so tired I barely notice. I take in short, shallow breaths to keep going, hardly aware that I am even doing so. How silly I was to fear this, it isn't frightening or horrible, it feels right... Soon I will be like my love and we will be together always, or so I hope and pray. I cannot be without Him, that much I know. If only dear Jonathan and the others would understand and leave us, I know I can't have my love and Jonathan both alive at the end of this and it causes me such pain. They want to hunt down my love, force him to pay for his crimes...and I must watch it all.   
  
His destruction is my salvation.  
  
Or is it the other way around?  
  
I am not afraid of becoming like Him, I know I want to be with Him always and I don't care about anything else anymore, but I cannot let the others die. Not Jonathan, not anyone. Not on my part. I cannot be forced to choose a side, I have betrayed my Prince and my companions. I feel lost again, afraid for the future, afraid for all my loved ones as my body begins to tremble in the shake of its changes.   
  
I feel so tired, worn out completely by the world, I need sleep. To seek solace in a world of dreams. Perhaps I will see my Prince there and everything will be perfect if only for a moment. I know now why I am resisting everything - the fear of losing myself. It is strong and profound.   
  
But not the fear of losing myself to the vampire blood coursing through me, the fear of losing myself in the heartbreak and loss I foresee. I know I will lose myself in the end, I already feel the cool, premature tears. I fear it all because it saddens me and breaks my strong spirit effortlessly.  
  
This loss of me.  
  
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So...crits, comments, anything? Should I continue writing? Please review, I need feedback! ^_^ 


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